I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
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The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
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You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
*aggressively waits in line*
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s