how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
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At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
“I wouldn’t.”
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.