I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
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My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.