My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
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If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Worlds greatest photobomb
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
No. He’s not coming out to play
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often