If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
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ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy