Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
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I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat