Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
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It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.