If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
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I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Godspeed, John Glenn
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.