Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
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[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.