A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
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One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
My neck my back my allergy attack
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.