“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
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Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.