I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
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You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
is this how new cars are made??
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.