Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
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The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.