when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
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My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.