I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
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Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago