I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
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Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
one last job
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma