love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
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Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
The Compass
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS