Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
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Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.