I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
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Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.