βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
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Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. Iβm done with the tire bullshit.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Raisins are grape jerky.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
at work when itβs slow and everyoneβs mad i like to say βat least we have our health and are surrounded by friendsβ and everyone gets more mad.
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TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Leave Twitter just because itβs lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, Iβm a public school teacher π
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time Iβm looking out my window to see what they are doing.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. Thatβs the point, dummy.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I canβt even remember why we broke up
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids itβs good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.