My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
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favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
happy valentine’s day to me
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.