Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
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In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.