Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
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Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.