WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
You Might Also Like
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Did I do this right
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.