New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
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POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you