bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”