I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
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How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working