Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
You Might Also Like
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.