I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
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My rap name is When i$ Lunch
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.