My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
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technically true but not a great slogan
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol