The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
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If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
me linking you to my twitter
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I told my vodka about you.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.