14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
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The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Nomnomnomnom
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?