Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
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I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.