“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
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Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Optional boss fight.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs