i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
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My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?