When libraries troll their patrons.
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When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.