If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
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I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
HR said no more nunchucks.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.