A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
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I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges