[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
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Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
new shirt idea
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
That de-escalated quickly
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Self-cleaning conscience
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder