how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
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There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
sry
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Wait a second…
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.