duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
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I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.