me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
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I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.