and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
You Might Also Like
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Just how popey was the pope today?
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything