So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
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People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake