Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
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If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.