I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
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No regrets in 2018
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
“i miss shittin on people”
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.