<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
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I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes