Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
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Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!