The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
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[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.