Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
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i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
i now pronounce you bounced.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.